Two weeks ago Misha passed away out of my arms into the universe (Read blog entry: Diminished by One: The Death of a Beloved Feline). He cannot be cuddled anymore. As I wake to do my daily drawings, I am present to my loss of his persistence presence. No cat companion to feed, to comb, to converse with, to let out, nor to sit next to as I draw. His ashes are beside me now (Read blog entry: Dead Finish to Misha's Life).
As I begin to draw, I don’t think too deeply. I don’t judge myself for my continued need to commune with Misha (NOT GOOD, NOT BAD, JUST IS). I ask him and myself how we want to be conveyed. My palette is limited to 9 inches by 12 inches and about 20 watercolor pencils.
This blog begins after the crematorium’s hot fires burnished Misha into a bright shining star in my HEART and MEMORY.
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| RESTING IN PEACE (Drawn November 10, 2011). Two mornings after Misha’s cremation at Paws, Whiskers and Wags: Your Pet Crematorium, I drew this serene image of Misha sleeping in a bed of INFINITE space. My hand reaches toward him touching, releasing, and touching again. The flowers are scattered from my crown of flowers, multiplying and spinning in time with Misha. I found great comfort in seeing this image emerge. Wandjina (Creation God and a symbol for my animus) reaches out to assist in Misha’s JOURNEY. |
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| OH MY LOVE (Drawn November 11, 2011). Yes, Misha, I will dance with you. You are bigger than me and so alive in the way I imagine you. Yes, I will dance with you. And for now, I will not mourn but dance! |
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| MY BIG BIG BABY (Drawn November 12, 2011). I am so in love with you. You are my ETERNAL baby. In your FINAL years, you no longer struggled in my arms. Yielding replaced youthful resistance to leap and bound. As I held you for what felt like INFINITY, we stared into each other’s eyes, UNITED. |
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| INNER-TWINED, INNER-THOUGHTS, INNER-BEING (Drawn November 13, 2011). Is it possible that while physical loss is FINITE, SPIRITUAL CONNECTION is INFINITE? |
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| HELD: IN SPACE AND TIME ALL THINGS CHANGE (Drawn November 14, 2011). The GREAT exchange! BEING comforted by the BEINGNESS of Misha. |
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| PROCESS OF EXPERIENCING FELINE LOSS (Drawn November 15, 2011). Being present to my loss. NOT GOOD, NOT BAD, JUST IS…. |
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SADNESS AT TIME OF PARTING (Drawn November 16, 2011).This image surprised me…how sad our expressions are. Even though I used green in the background to signal CHANGE, GROWTH, NEW DIRECTION, I discovered the sadness existing in my heart about the CHANGE I cannot control—the need to accept DEATH, SEPARATION, and LOSS. The LOSS of Misha has intersected with ALL the LOSSES in my life. |
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| DANCE? LET GO? NOT YET! (Drawn November 17, 2011). Almost two weeks into my PROCESS of HEALING, I realized that MOURNING is not fast. Today, I discovered the “hidden contract” I had made with myself! Here is the contract: 1) Draw every day being present to Misha’s death. 2) Do not judge—not good, not bad, just. 3) Check for healing, expecting the “drawing meditation” to work like an antibiotic—quick recovery! I feel perplexed! I had tricked myself into thinking I could HEAL myself with expediency by “striving” conscientiously! |
How I love ART and the way my inner-and outer-self speak to one another, integrating my woes and joys. I give myself permission to let my ART be what I need it to be! I give myself permission to take TIME to HEAL and to SEE what is the next thing I need.
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| HONORABLE MENTION: My dear dear Chiboogamoo, the brilliant paleontologist that he is wrote a wonderful tribute to our beloved feline using his ichnological insight. His tribute, "Cat Ichnology: The Marks of Misha," can be found on a charming and engaging blog, Geokittehs, which is dedicated to the teaching of geology through the use of--yes--cats! I took this photo in December 2010. Chiboogamoo was teaching our feline companion about evolution from his course with the Teaching Company, "Major Transitions in Evolution." |
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PERSISTENT PERMISSIVE PERMANENT SOULMATE
photo by Chiboogamoo |
